However, I have felt very alone even in the presence of people lately. It's not their fault. It's just that work has me feeling like a shell of a person instead of who I really am. So, I try to be someone else in front of everyone and then Chad has to deal with my crying and emptiness when I come home. That's not fair for him. I barely know myself anymore. I feel like I only know myself when I'm deep in my art. And there's not too much time for that these days...
I'm usually only alone when I'm driving to and from work. This is also the time where I listen to the music I like and just have time to myself.
These days, it's not easy for me to even listen to music anymore though. Which is very strange for me because music is what usually makes me feel at peace and feel free. But, I feel like I'm never at peace anymore. And, when I'm in the car, I'm having to sacrifice listening to music just to gain some peace through some quiet. I take almost all of this time to just pray about everything going on. God's got something huge for me. But, I do realize that we have to go through bad stuff to get to the good stuff sometimes. I'm just so ready for it to be over.
Anyway... back to the point...
Through situations beyond my control, all day Saturday I was pretty much by myself (except for dinner time when we met up with Brian, Andria, and baby Elliot).
So, I took that time for myself and I painted. I don't feel like I'm very good at painting, but I still love it anyway. So, I painted allllll dayyyy. I only made a few things. But, that's because I took my sweet time and relaxed while doing it. Do I feel like I got full peace? No. But, it definitely helped ease my soul a bit after everything that's been going on lately. Here are just a couple of the things I painted. The first one is a simple painting that I've been meaning to paint for years. I know, it's so simple. But, it seems like yesterday was the perfect time in my life for me to paint it. The second one is a piece I made last month that I wasn't happy with. So, I took the tiny clock off of it that I had on there and added a pretty, colorful leaf. I feel like my heart takes a big sigh of relief when I see it hanging on the wall now. And I painted a pretty little heart inside of the locket.
I realize now that peace is more precious than I would have ever thought. Thank God for every moment of it.
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